Reggie

I heard you calling,

you already knew my name.

You brought me back to life,

you loved away the pain.

I melted into wholeness.

My love has founds its place.

The beauty once forgotten,

now wrapped in your embrace.

Joy spoke though your fingers,

I felt heaven in a touch,

you kissed away the numbness.

You made me feel so much.

Awake, but still I’m dreaming

I feel alive and new.

You make my world restart

when I look at you.

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Aching

Hope died with the promise
never to be regained,
lost to me forever
December cries your name.
Reach and pull back nothing
still reaching all these years
nothing is forgotten
I’ve not ran out of tears.
I ache for you in silence.
pain reserves it’s space
never to be forgotten
the memory of your face.
I died again in pieces
I split again into
I am holding everything
but all I want is you.

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The Price of Love

I relive every second in agonizing detail. Staring at the ultrasound at my perfectly formed, yet perfectly still baby. Reality hadn’t hit me yet as I scanned the screen for the smallest movement. He wasn’t kicking. Spinal bifida I thought. Thoughts bombarded my mind. The advancement in fetal surgery, the prognosis was so much better than it was when I was growing up. I could handle spinal bifida I decided.

I searched the technician’s face. She wouldn’t look at me.

I noticed the stillness of my baby’s arms, my mind fighting the reality staring me in the face.

“Does he have a heartbeat?” I cried everything in me begging for reassurance.

“That is what I am looking for.” She stated cold, distant, matter of fact.

I don’t know how I made it through that moment.

My private pain, my nightmare was so common place to them.

In that moment I knew his sweet life had ended before it could begin.

The technician called in the doctor to confirm it.

I stared in stone cold silence. I didn’t ask why, because there was no reason they could possibly give me that would make it okay.

I needed out of that room. I needed to be alone. Most of all I needed to wake up and realize it was all a very bad dream.

I made my way to the small bathroom to put my clothes back on. I locked the door behind me and collapsed on the floor.

I prayed. I prayed with every single bit of Pentecostal blood I had in me.

Hadn’t I personally witnesses a deaf gentleman regain his hearing?

Wasn’t I sitting on the pew behind a man that died during church service, and I watched my grandpa pray him back to life?

I’d seen Terah Fortner step up out of her wheelchair and make her way down the center aisle to the alter of the church.

I lay on that floor, I repeated over and over again. If I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains.

The Doctors could be wrong I thought.

My legacy, my birthright, everything passed down to me from birth told me, I was chosen, and God could and will work miracles in my life.

I was angry for a long time. I was angry when I went in labor on Christmas. I was angry when I give birth to this perfectly formed little boy that so obviously had hands just like his Daddy. I was angry because I had given up so much of myself, and given up who I was, in order to stay in favor with a God that without a second thought stopped the heart of my child.

15 years later I can feel the chill of December coming.

The person I was before no longer exists.

The person I am now searches for reasons.

I realize that my child was no more entitled to life than countless other babies that were born still. I realize that life happens regardless, and you have to choose the things that you carry with you from each lesson you learn.

However;

That kind of loss wraps itself around every fiber of your body. You become it.

Time doesn’t heal it. In 2001 I buried a baby, in 2016 I ache for the 15 year old that should be fighting with his brothers.

A whole future was buried with my baby.

His eyes never opened, his limbs never moved, his life was but a page in this enormous book of my life. Still there is no place he doesn’t touch.

I love my life with William’s brothers. I live happy and grateful.

When grief comes, it mostly serves as a reminder of how truly invincible a person can become when they have to.

I no longer underestimate my ability to stand.

Last year December gave me a precious gift, and subsequently the lesson that started all those years ago became more clear than ever.

Love is not in the possession of someone.

Love does not exist in the fulfillment of the strongest want.

 Love exists in the sacrifice.

When you sacrifice what should have been.

When you leave behind all the expectations of what this beautiful promise can bring.

When you open up your entire soul with full knowledge that life has no guarantees, and

you simply love, because that is what we are designed to do.

Grief may be the price of love, one very few wants to pay.

They want to hold on until their hands are raw.

They want to find a light in the hopelessness.

A resolution,

a place for all this love to manifest itself.

The most beautiful manifestation of love with no destination or objective, is found when it stands completely alone. When there is nothing left. When there can be no purpose.

When the tears burn your pillow, and you ache to just hold them one more time, but then you remember how deeply you are able to appreciate love born with a purpose. When you wrap your children in your arms and love radiates through your body. The feeling of being truly and completely grateful.

Loss is the fire that ignites that spark within you.

Loss is a constant reminder of how brief and fleeting happy can be.

The only way to lose is if you push away those moments. If you shut the love out because you are so afraid of the loss.

Love never dies. It reinvents itself. It shows you new and different ways to experience joy.

Love forged in pain and loss is as unbreakable as King Arthur’s sword.

Loss is part of the appreciation of the beauty that you hold.

In that moment you wont always see it. There have been so many moments when I felt like I couldn’t bear to put one foot in front of the other.

I’ve had days that I never imagined life could ever be anything more that the overwhelming grief of saying goodbye way before I was ready to.

If you let the bitterness hold you trapped in your grief, then you may very well be right.

Its normal to be angry. Its normal to feel that it is not fair.

Its normal to think that if you had only been good enough, or done enough that you would not have to experience this pain.

True healing comes when the pain and the grief draws such a sharp contrast that you finally realize what love is.

You understand the true selflessness of love.

You understand that by allowing the grief and the loss to have their place in your heart, that you are adding new dimensions to the places that love can and will take you.

I love my little boy, William David Hill.

I embrace his legacy every day.

He is part of the patience I show with Evan.

When I stare at my children in total awe and admiration, William’s spirit is right behind my eyes.

When I hold a crying colicky baby I rejoice is what a beautiful sound those cries are.

I feel deeper for children who are neglected or abused.

I never take one single breath for granted.

When I laugh, when I smile I don’t have to fake them anymore.

William’s legacy taught me that pain has a purpose.

My child is part of me.

I smile at people that look like they are having a bad day.

I offer help to those that may need it.

I remind people that nothing stays bad forever.

I encourage them to hold on to the good.

I tell them about my son, and all the beautiful things that he has taught me about life having never breathed a breath.

Most of all my grief has taught me that this is always something to be thankful for.

No matter how dark the world may seem. When you can’t imagine picking yourself up off the floor, facing the most impossible situation that you have yet to face.

You have to remind yourself that as surely as life takes, and as broken as you may feel, love has many seasons and while the winter may be cold, spring will come again.

The colors in your world that grief has muted will once again become as brilliant as the leaves on the trees in October.

You will bask in the sun. The memory of winter will not block the warmth.

You will swim in the river and for a moment forget that it was once covered with ice.

We are on this earth to experience every moment. We experience both the good and the bad.

The most important thing that you will ever learn is when good comes again to embrace it fully. Let go of the fear of being hurt. You have no control over when or if hurt is right around the corner. You can’t live your life afraid to love, because of what it may one day cost. To live with the fear of loss is to not really live at all.

Loss is inevitable.

Bitterness is a choice.

Love with all your heart. Find the beauty in the broken.

Honor the legacy of love by giving it purpose.

If you can’t believe everything happens for a reason, (this one is particularly hard for me.)

Give it a reason. Find the reason, because it is there if you look hard enough.

William David taught me unconditional love.

His birthday passes every year, and I am the only one who remembers.

What once felt like isolation in a prison of grief, over the years has changed into a secret that only my soul knows.

I can try with the best of my ability to share his legacy on this blog. To share the lessons that grief has taught me. However; there is no map to trace to get from point a to point b. The journey is long and It hurts like nothing else on this earth ever will. Each journey through loss is as unique as the person experiencing it. I hope you hold on to the knowledge that love is not rigid. It is fluid and it will grow and change into what you need it to become. If you try to actively embrace what death has no power over (love), and you apply whatever purpose is in your heart, and you direct the love forged though grief towards that purpose, you will smile again. You will find a place for love grow and multiply.

I would have given my son the world. Instead he opened up a whole new world for me.

I will always be grateful for the miracle I so briefly held.

I am and I will always be William David’s Mother.

He will always be more than just my son.

He is my proof that life goes on. He is my teacher. He is the map I trace when I am lost without direction. He is my reminder that life is worth living. He is the steel inside me when I am facing the impossible.

His beauty did not stop at death.

His purpose will forever be a part of me.

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Love Beyond

Beyond the hope of having,

beyond the veil of tears,

a well of hope within me,

holds me through the years.

Beyond human expectation.

Just beyond today.

Everything inside me,

Rises above the pain.

Beyond understanding,

beyond what words can say,

Love beyond imagining,

covers all the pain.

Warm and sweet it glistens,

alive and now awake.

Memory of wonderful,

the magic never breaks.

No beginning and no ending,

as long as I remain,

my heart will always smile,

when I hear your name.

Not bound by earthly laws,

 love has magic wings.

It flies beyond circumstances,

and still of heaven sings.

Hold on to the wonderful,

the fire of being alive.

Live for the moments ,

Love beyond goodbye.

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Silence

No sound can reach me
floating high above
nothing else matters
can’t remember love
no cords to tie me
no thoughts left to think
dive deep in the water
forever I will sink
down into the blackness
soul less nothing more
the center of a moment
the broken bloody core
absorbing in the water
I will not fight for air
it’s blackness that I’m needing
to just no longer care.
Bliss full as I surrender
an ugly bloated shell
dreams once so vivid
a deathly shade of pale.

~Radonna Blake

Free Feels Like Flying

I wrapped myself in chains,

for the security of it.

Love, need, want, expectations.

I had a plan.

Solid, firm, forever.

Rooted, buried deep in the ground.

Connected, Centered.

YOU.

Expectations shattered

Want flew away

Need melted

and love became liquid.

My power once again my own.

Free feels like flying.

A good day

Don’t romanticize I say,

Happy comes

then goes away.

Live for just the moment.

Feel you melting into me.

Hold what is.

Don’t fit it to your dreams.

Appreciate the beauty

of staring in your eyes.

Don’t think,

Don’t wonder if your thoughts match mine.

The center of this moment

your hair falling in your face.

Embrace it and say

Today was a good day.

All I Ever Wanted

 

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All I ever wanted,

is what will never be.

Happily Ever After

does not exist for me.

I see it floating by

just right outside my grasp.

Dreams come and go,

but they never last.

All I ever wanted

Was to wake up to your face.

For the emptiness inside me

to finally be erased.

All I ever wanted

was to give you everything.

To build a forever

that covered all the pain.

All I ever wanted

was to be lost in your eyes

to live inside a moment,

A love that never dies.

All I ever wanted,

was to know without a doubt,

my love was something

You couldn’t do without.

All I ever wanted

was for this one dream to come true.

All I ever wanted

Was to end up holding you.

By: Radonna Hill

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Hope

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over,

but expecting a different result.

I’m guilty of it I think everyone is. I hold on till my hands bleed.

As long as there is hope, I give my all.

I think sometimes hope is confused with want.

You want something so bad you convince yourself that there is hope.

Hope may feel like want. It has the same roots in desire, but its a very different thing.

Hope says try again tomorrow. Get up when you fall. Believe in better things. It is the voice that allows you to let go of things that hurt knowing that better things are beyond it.

Want is a choice you make.

Want is drug. It traps you. It imprisons you.

Want is the enemy of Hope.

When the thing you want causes you to destroy yourself over and over.

When it keeps you on the same ride knowing every up and down and how it all will end.

Want becomes toxic.

Aren’t you still scarred from the last go round?

Aren’t you still raw as the sores on the face of a meth addict?

Want is an addiction.

Hope is freedom.

Hope is letting go and not being afraid.

Hope is being able to see past the pain.

Past the person causing the pain.

Hope is the memory of every time you have picked yourself up and went on.

I choose hope. I will always choose hope.

The things I want do not control me.

Nothing ever will, I am free.

I am free because I choose it.

I will continue to choose it, because when I am reaching, want never reaches back. It always leaves me aching.

Oh but hope does.

Hope chooses me every time.

All I Ever Wanted

All I ever wanted,

is what will never be.

Happily Ever After

does not exist for me.

I see it floating by

just right outside my grasp.

Dreams come and go,

but they never last.

All I ever wanted

Was to wake up to your face.

For the emptiness inside me

to finally be erased.

All I ever wanted

was to give you everything.

To build a forever

that covered all the pain.

All I ever wanted

was to be lost in your eyes

to live inside a moment,

A love that never dies.

All I ever wanted,

was to know without a doubt,

my love was something

You couldn’t do without.

All I ever wanted

was for this one dream to come true.

All I ever wanted

Was to end up holding you.

Not Real

I can’t hide the way I feel,

or how I broke in pieces

when you said it wasn’t real.

I can’t un cry these tears

I can’t erase the pain

doesn’t hurt any less

because it was a dream.

My heart doesn’t know the difference.

I was so wrapped up in you.

I didn’t see the fantasy

I thought it was the truth.

It was true the way it healed me.

It was true the joy I found.

It was true in that moment.

My feet were on the ground.

Solid, firm, forever.

How can it be another way?

How could you be my everything?

and it all end in just a day?

Nothing in this world

I finally kept my pride and hailed a cab
Those cuttin’ words you said were the last stab
There’ll be no tears this time, they’ve all dried up
No more sweet poison, I already drank that cup

This tunnel’s dark, but there’s a little light glowing
Just enough for me to run towards knowing

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever ever hurt like you

Don’t need a miracle, a superhero
There’s only one way up when you’re at zero
You took my innocence, but it was knowing
No I don’t need you, and that made me a woman

I paid my dues, but it’s a debt I’m done paying
I’m standing strong, but I’m still on my knees praying

That nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever ever hurt like you

Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever ever hurt like you

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Never felt these words as deeply as I do now.

If I must

If I must be crushed,

then let me be a rose,

 be the beauty in the broken,

the pain inside the prose.

If I must be elastic,

let my heart expand.

Let me love in spite of

what I do not understand.

If I must know heartache,

then let me be a light,

so that someone else can know,

they are strong enough to fight.

Please let there be a purpose

for the pain I chose to bear.

Let me not be bitter

because it feels unfair.

Accept with grace

the things I can not know

Never stunt my spirit,

just because it hurts to grow.

Let me be loving

Let me be warm.

Let me be grateful

in spite of the storm.

Not Mine

I turn off the music it makes me feel to much.

I’m not suppose to love you or hunger for your touch.

I close my eyes when shooting stars go by.

What good is wishing, if I can’t wish you mine.

I close my eyes and try to dream,

but the dream I love, is not meant for me.

Life is a Roller Coaster

I’ve had a lot of hurt in life. There is something familiar about it.

Waking up is always the hardest part. The first few minutes you forget, or you think its just a bad dream, then you remember and relive the facts. Life the way you know it, the way you planned it, is never going to be the same.

Tears come they always do.

I welcome them because I know from past experiences numb is worse. There is nothing worse than not being able to feel what is crushing your soul.

Then I talk to myself, I make myself remember the most hurt I have ever been and I make myself remember that every time, even standing at the grave of my baby I have smiled again. I have loved again. I have thrived again.

Life is a roller coaster with incredible highs and lows.

I never want to be afraid to ride it.

Every time I am going to throw my hands up and enjoy the thrill of being alive.

The stomach flipping excitement of something new.

The love that I haven’t experienced yet. The kind that chooses me and never stops choosing me.

I will not let pain make me bitter. I won’t close myself off to the good that will always come again.

I am going to live every moment to the fullest.

I’m gonna love with all my heart.

I’m going to be me regardless.

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You don’t see me

You dance in my sunlight

you swim in my sea

you walked through my ashes,

but still don’t see me.

My name you may speak it,

my heart you don’t know,

the parts I have buried,

that I never show.

For your convenience,

I hold back the tears.

I make friends with the shadows

sleep with the fears.

I swallow the poison.

I choke on the pain.

I learned to smile

and inside cry the rain.

Empty

I’m lost inside this moment

trapped beneath the sea

holding on so tightly

trying to calm the storm in me.

My soul feels so empty

hope is all but gone

I try to find solace

but its hard to carry on.

I’m tired and I’m aching

my dreams slip through my grasp

I wonder if I’ll ever find

happiness that lasts.

My Familiar

Surrender into torment

facing my familiar

nurtured inside me

my palisade

promise crushed

filtered through your prism

light created shadows

I die daily

choices an illusion

peace cant reach me

hopes song has faded

this is what is left.

how completely

truth is twisted

distorted

I am redefined.

disfigured

I swallow my sadness.

absorbing

melding

Inseparable.

It’s all that is left.

By: Radonna Blake

Don’t Wake Me

Don’t wake me if I’m dreaming.

Let me stay here in this place.

Let me soak in all the beauty

Let me stare into your face.

Don’t wake me if I’m dreaming.

Let me stay lost in you.

Nothing else compares,

Let this be my truth.

Let me stay a little longer.

Let me love you a little more.

Let this feeling drown me.

Let my heart soar.

Don’t wake me if I’m dreaming.

Let me stay asleep.

If dreams are where I hold you,

and you are mine for keeps.

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Endurance

I’ll cry softly,

I’ll stand through the pain.

Swim in the rivers,

dance in the rain.

Hope be my armor

strength be my guide

where there is fear

I’ll let peace abide.

Hold to the moments,

tomorrow will bring.

Let joy write

the songs that I sing.

Never forget

the places I’ve been.

embrace the knowledge,

I can fight and win.

I am unbreakable.

I know for sure

its just another battle

I will endure.

Endurance

House of Sorrow

Promise lived in the house of Sorrow.
She’d been there longer than she wanted.
Tears burned here, and
the silence echoed.
She slept under blankets of pain.
She carried the weight of memories around all day.
She worked hard for Sorrow,
but Sorrow never seemed to be finished.
She wanted to leave this place.
She called Justice to her, to plead her cause.
“Its not fair” she cried
“No,” Justice said sadly “It is not fair”
Promise waited for Justice to act, but he stood solemnly still.
“Its not fair” she cried louder.
Justice just shook his head.
Promise sat down and pulled her pain around her.
She felt suffocated from the weight of it.
The liar danced by her window.
“Justice, why can he dance?” she asked mournfully.
“The dance of fools is always a merry one” Justice said.
Promise thought hard about what Justice had said.
“He is broken in a different way?” she asked realizing the truth Justice had shared.
Justice smiled and took Promise by the hand.
He led her outside into a garden where she saw herself.
“Thats me” she cried.
Justice touched his finger to his lips
“This is your future” he whispered.
Promise saw herself bathed in light and holding on to the hand of the most beautiful person she had ever seen.
“That’s Wisdom” Justice said.
“You met him through Sorrow”
Promise face fell
“I didn’t like Sorrow” she said.
“Few are able to let Sorrow work with them, they resist her and avoid her calls,but the end result is this”
Justice raised his arms indicating the beautiful garden they were standing in.
“What is this place?” Promise asked suddenly aware of the beauty surrounding her
“This is your soul, Sorrow helped you design it”
Justice took her hand and led her back into the house.
It didn’t seem as dark as it had before and the memories felt so much lighter.
Promise smiled at Justice.
“At first I thought you didn’t care” Promise said remorsefully.
Justice patted her on the back.
“Its okay Promise,” he said “My work is a lot like Sorrow’s,
only evident over time when all the pieces come together”
Promise saw the Liar again dancing in the distance.
her heart did not ache as badly as before.
“Justice, what will happen to him?” she asked.
Mercy stepped into the room.
Her presence was warm and light.
Justice looked surprised.
“Promise called me” Mercy said softly.
Justice broke into a huge smile.
“The Liar lives in his own prison”
Promise said realizing it for the first time.
“Its not less than he deserves” Promise reasoned.
“No” Justice agreed
“I wish him free” Promise said softly
Mercy nodded her head and suddenly
they were all standing back in that beautiful garden Justice had shown her.
The house of Sorrow had disappeared and joy and peace surrounded her like clouds.
Forgiveness welcomed her through the gates.
Promise began to dance.
She danced with Wisdom and Grace.
Forgiveness and Mercy watched happily.
Another broken promise had found her way home.
By: Radonna Blake
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I remember

I am forged in fire.

I am carved from stone

The steel inside me,

is the pain I own.

So I stand.

I stand and remember,

I know this song by heart.

All the broken pieces.

All the familiar parts

I remember….

The sun after the rain.

I remember…

When I learned to smile again.

I often look back

and wish I could whisper

to the shattered broken me

that day would become my invincibility.

I carry your memory

ingrained in my soul

the confidence to know

I can be both broke, and whole.

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Memory

Long after the music stopped, and the lights went out,
Memory sat in darkness.
She was not afraid, the night was not unkind.
She tried to stand, but was too weary.
A light shone in the distance.
She knew she must go. She just did not know how.
She noticed pinned to her clothes were trinkets she had picked up along her journey.
They are awfully heavy, she thought.
One by one she started to unpin them.
She discarded them by importance.
Anger was the heaviest, so she pulled it off first.
Encouraged by how much lighter she felt she pulled off another.
Fear came next followed by Bitterness.
She gladly pulled off Desperation and Need.
Expectations had several little disappointments attached to it.
Memory was amazed, when she threw it down she was suddenly able to stand.
Her steps were slow and hesitant as she walked towards the light.
The others were harder to choose from.
She held on a while before she let dreams slip through her fingers.
Ambition, Desire, Happiness,
She was so sure she may need those things.
Joy, Faith, Patience, Peace.
They had always served her so well.
She arrived at the light holding only Love, and Hope.
“You can only keep one” she was told.
Memory turned around and looked down the path she had traveled.
She looked at all the things that use to matter and the things that she had carried that had not.
Without further hesitation Memory tossed hope with all the others.
Pulling her shoulders back she walked forward with ease,
as if she was floating on air.
Love glowed warm against her chest as she became the light and the light became her.
Everything else was left forgotten.

by: Radonna Blake

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Longing

Restless whispers,

with melancholy wings

rests upon the weary

making beggars of kings.

Mysteries of wholeness

glistens in her sun.

Trees with heavy branches

harvest still to come.

Promise burst like flowers,

from the fertile ground.

Watered with new purpose

free the dreams once bound.

Bask inside the wonder

of wanting to be found.

~Radonna Blake

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Love Is Eternal

She wasn’t rich. She wasn’t famous. Her brilliance was known only to those she doctored with her self taught medical skills and to those she loved so much.

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Even 17 years after she died, her love is still the base of everything I am.

She was a mother to many, no matter how many people were in her world she had this way of making you feel like you were the most important part of it.n1116751051_30122026_9367

She will always be part of the love that I am able to give my own children and someday to my own grandchildren.

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I see her in my Mother.

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I see her spirit in the kindness my children show to others.

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Death takes so many things.

My children will never have memories of her. I will never get the chance to tell her all the things that I have learned about life since she’s been gone.

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The one thing that death can’t steal is the love. It lives on long after our time on earth is finished. It continues to grow and evolve.

In this temporary life, love is eternal.

So love with all your heart.

Don’t hold back because you are afraid.

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Forgive always.

There is no wrong so great that love can not cover it.

In the end it is the only thing that matters.

Happy Mothers Day Rebecca Ruth Ferrell.

I am so grateful to have been loved by you.

I Just Need You

Just like sunshine, dries the rain

Standing in your truth, I breathe again.

When I’m weary, aching, raw,

you help me find the reasons,

I see them all.

Reason to hold on,

Reasons to stand.

I’m not alone now.

I have a friend.

Shadows can’t hide

in an open heart.

Before you,

I never got that part.

You are redefining everything.

Dimensions to joy

I’ve never dreamed.

So when I struggle,

and leave myself behind.

The map I trace,

in you I find.

You make it easy to surrender.

to trust in the unknown.

I’m happily lost in the love you show.

When nothing else is certain,

When nothing else is true.

I don’t need guarantees,

I just need you.

~Radonna Hill

 

 

 

 

 

Free

My thoughts melted, my center was liquid.

changing, bending, becoming.
not restricted by design or reason.
I danced inside you.
Everything, and Nothing.
Complete Freedom,
Bound by no earthly law.
Transcended…
I became great and small.

You divided, and defined me.
Placed me upon a shelf.
“Look at my Love” you said.
Contained inside your box,
my power became yours.
I grew still and silent,
hardened and rigid,
I forgot to dance.

Then you called upon my power,
once vast as the ocean.
I stood still molded by your design.
“You’ve changed” You said sadly
“Where is your power to thrill and fill me?”

I cried as you walked away,
my tears flowed like a river.
I dissolved inside them.
my thoughts melted,
my center again liquid.

I was free.

~Radonna Hill

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Horseshoe Lake Farm

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This hidden gem is just 1/4 mile East of the Intersection of Highways 651 & 61 in Cottageville, SC. Only five miles from the Edisto River.

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 Horseshoe lake is primitive camping, if you are looking for modern amenities you wont find them here. This is a very rustic family run campground. They accept cash only and issue hand written receipts. The owners are new, but very nice and accommodating.

Going in mid February it was very peaceful and not crowded. They are undergoing some construction, but it did not take away from the experience.

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This 75 acre lake offers canoeing and kayaking, rentals are available.

They offer horse rentals, and have trails for both riding and biking.

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They have a beach for swimming and off the porch fishing.

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Off the balcony fishing was a great bonus. I got a bite with every cast.

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The cabins were small but cheap…

View original post 154 more words

Forgiveness

 

Forgiveness.

I’ve never had trouble forgiving other people. Its easy. I can see the reasons behind some of their choices, and I realize that most people do not intend to hurt anyone else, that sometimes it is just a byproduct of their own experiences and pain. Hurt people, hurt people.

Although this is a wonderful ability I have realized that it is far more complex than I understood. I may forgive an action, but I internalize it. I take responsibility for someone else’s actions. If I had done better, or known better this wouldn’t have happened. So while I make excuses for the actions of others I hold myself accountable.

Today I am working on forgiving myself. When I look back at the choices I have made, and the reasons that I made them it is really hard for them not to sound like excuses instead of valid reasons. I am my own worst critic.

I can pick myself apart, and I can see the very worst parts of my character. I don’t give myself an inch to heal or to move past it. I am trying to think differently. I am trying to give myself the understanding that I so easily give to others.

There are days that I will do my best, and give my best, there are days that I wont, and that is okay as long as I keep trying and striving to be the best me that I can be.

I can’t change my past, or the choices that I have made but I can learn and grow from them. I can embrace the ways that they have added to my life experiences, and how they shape my perception. I can pick and choice the things that I want to carry with me tomorrow, and the things that I want to lay down.

Today I choose to lay down the guilt. I choose to forgive myself.

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Weight Loss Journal

Day 208, 115 pounds lost so far.

I’d always heard that weight loss was as much an emotional process as a physical one, but I never fully understood that until recently.

When I started this journey my emotional health was the last thing on my mind, I was sick, desperately sick and if I didn’t do something fast I knew I would never see my kids grow up.

I made the decision logically. I wanted more out of life than four walls, and dreams. I wanted memories with my children, I wanted more time.

I didn’t  expect to confront the lifetime of pain I had buried in the layers.

The barrier I had created between me and the world.

It sounds so cliche, especially since I am not an emotional eater. I’ve never picked up a tub of ice cream to get through heartbreak. I just made really bad food choices. Years of that and inactivity took their toll on my body and my health putting me in a very desperate situation.

The thing about life is that you can’t pause it to deal with old shit.

My heart got broken again. I faced the choice between giving up, and giving it everything I had left. I chose to fight.

While I am fighting to be healthy I am also fighting an internal battle of not feeling good enough. I fight every time I walk out my front door. I want people to see my strength. I want them to see my heart. I want to be an extension of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I am dealing with the concept of self-esteem in therapy. It is hard to say I have low self esteem, because I generally like myself. I can see pieces of me in my children, parts that I love and can appreciate. I have friends that value and love me, and I have been loved greatly. I understand my limits, but I see them as temporary so where does this feeling of not being good enough come from?  Where is this fear of what other people might think of me rooted? Why do I fight the desire to just lay down and quit daily? I do struggle with depression, but I don’t know if my weight is the result of depression or, Am I depressed because I am fat?

I am cautious about thinking that any one thing will fix me. I have had situations in my life where I thought I had identified the root of what created it, but after fixing what I thought was wrong I still had the same thoughts, feelings and emotions. Is depression who I am?

I’ve always been dramatic. I’ve always held a deep sense of sadness even before life gave me bigger reasons to be sad. I’ve always felt limited, and held back from really reaching my dreams. What is that and how do I fix it. Do I have to go back through all my experiences to find the thing that created that sense of hopelessness, or is it the combination of everything combined.

I like the idea that every day brings you a brand new chance to create something different. Until now I thought it was a matter of throwing away the 42 years of self defeating thinking and starting fresh, but my new therapist told me that it was those 42 years that define me, that it is a strength to have the knowledge of all that pain under my belt because it built a person that can offer the world something because of those experiences.

All I have to do is figure out is how. How do I turn this mess into something purposeful?

How do I take the lessons I have learned and apply them in a way that will make my next 42 years something that I can look back on without regret so that I can reach my full potential?

I am learning daily, and I am finding myself loving myself and others in a new and different way.

I am excited about the future and I am more determined than ever to keep fighting, because I want more. I want so much more.

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Wholehearted

In 2010 I left an abusive relationship. I remember the words she offered as an excuse for her treatment of me. “I use to be just like you, until I got tired of being nice and taken advantage of.” The six years since I have wondered with each new heartache that has came my way..IS this going to be the hurt that makes me an asshole?

I have come to the realization, NO I will never become like her, simply because when I am faced with the choice to be mean or be kind. I choose to be kind. I choose kindness again and again because that is who I am. I choose to be grateful, and I choose to hold on to the good.

Everyone is capable of being kind and some choose it every now and then when they stand to benefit from the situation. She was never “like me” I will never be like her. When I give myself and my heart I give it wholeheartedly. I open myself up in spite of the possibility of being hurt. I do it because I know that one day I will find that back. I will find someone that is ready to give me all of themselves, and when that day comes it will not be because of someone else’s ill treatment of me that will cause me to not be able to accept it.

I watched a Ted Talk today.  Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability

She talked about being Wholehearted and realizing the being vulnerable is the only way to live life in a wholehearted way. By opening myself up again and again regardless of knowing it will work out is a gift that comes from being well loved, and being deeply connected to the people that you love.  I know I am enough and I know the person meant for me will see that without needing convinced. That person will regard my softness and kindness not as weaknesses. They will not take advantage of those parts of me. The people that have, are truly the ones that have missed out.

I have made excuses for many people that have hurt me based on the belief that they have been hurt and it limited their capacity to love and give appropriately, but in reality everyone has a choice. I will choose to be kind every time and I will choose love over disconnection.

I no longer worry about becoming something I am not, and I don’t look back in regret because I know I have given my best. I will always give my best and love wholehearted because that is just who I am.

Wholeheart

 

 

She is…

She is
the skip to my step,
the curve of my lips.
the light in the dark
the sway to my hips.
She is the magic in the ordinary.
She is
the ache
at the end of every breath.
She is my strength,
when I have none left.
She is the truth to every lie,
She is the answer to every why.
She is
the dream
I was scared to dream.
She is the happy,
I thought I’d never see.
She is,
The chance I have to take.
The smile I don’t have to fake.
She is
The longing in my eyes.
my quite ,
my calm.
She is my chaos.
My hope when all was gone.
She is
my glimpse of gold.
the love I’d give anything to hold.
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She is…

The Ocean and the Moon

I feel you ….said the ocean to the moon.
You bewitch me so.
The Ocean pounded purposefully against the shore.
The moon smiled sadly
her argent prism danced softly in the air.
The ocean rolled greedily to capture the light.
her waves reaching as high as they could reach.
Ever constant Earth reminded the ocean of where she belonged.
“But Mother” the Ocean cried “My Beloved is in the sky”
Mother Earth held tightly as ocean pounded her sorrow on the sand.
“If I let you go, all will be lost” Mother Earth whispers
So great the oceans need she roared her fury, rising higher and higher.
Need does not supersede destiny.
The Moon sought to assuage the Oceans pain.
“I alone witness clandestine lovers seeking shadow the night provides, and
I am not bereft of longing.”
Purpose is greater than pleasure.
The Ocean still did not understand
The stars shone brightly around the moon.
The Ocean wished desperately to be a star.
Century’s came and went; however;
the reaching had grown playful and she danced in the shimmering light.
She did not need to touch the moon, to know the moon was there.
The Moon was happy and shone brightly upon the Ocean.
“Love has many forms” said Mother Earth. “It is not limited to being fulfilled
or defined by its manifestation”
“Love is constant and unchanging needing no intention.”
The Ocean understood, happily she embraced the fish that swam in her deep,
the life her existence provided. She knew her purpose.
Wise with time, the Ocean was at peace with her destiny,
but through all infinity she never stopped reaching for the moon.
By Radonna Hill
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My Legacy

Thinking about my Granny today, about who I am and where I come from. I think you have to have a strong grasp of that to know where you are going.

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Her house was a hodge podge. Southwestern style wall decorations displayed proudly beside African Tigers. Blue willow dishes, ceramic Disney, Dutch Boy and Dutch Girl, Chinese wall fans, both large and small cactus’, Country themes and art deco. She had a collection of glass cats and a collection of dogs, Chinese baby dolls, and glass irons, Brass, steel, wood, and several random Giraffes. Framed photographs spread over every surface and wall space. Three umbrella holders, two coat racks, several magazine racks. Every space held a thing, every thing had a space and every space held a part of some one. A Key holder I’d brought her in Kindergarten at Santas workshop hung proudly on the wall. Cows, pigs roosters, her house had them all. At first glance, it seemed the house belonged to someone that could not quite make up her mind. Those that knew her, knew that every item had a story and a person behind it. Her life theme was those she loved, and those that loved her. Every birthday new places were found for ceramic soup holders, art for her walls, the random knick knacks that everyone knew Sister Ferrell just loved. Nothing was ever put away or discarded.

“Brother Ward, brought this back from his last trip.”

“Donna brought that for me from Russia”

“Gary made that for me”

“Sister Jane gave that to me for Christmas”

“This was my Mothers”

She could go through every item and introduce you to the person behind it.

She loved well, and was well loved, and her walls stood as an example of how she carried those she loved with her everywhere.

She loved to travel, to see new places, and meet new people. One of my earliest memories is her perched in the seat beside my Grandpa, pointing out scenery that I was too carsick to look at. She always told me the best part of the trip wasn’t always where you ended up, it was the wonderful things you seen on the way. I would halfheartedly nod my head, inside thinking, I would just rather skip that part.

One of Grandma’s favorite scriptures was “Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the

Lord.” She lived heartily, She loved heartily, and she gave of her time, and herself heartily. Everyone that remembers Grandma can recall a memory she made them feel, like they were loved, and valued beyond measure. She was grateful for every person in her life, and never failed to show them. I can’t remember feeling jealous, left out, or unsure of my place in her world. She had this way of loving, and giving, that seemed to multiply never divide.

She was the glue that held us all together, and forever bonded us through our love for her.

Life has taken us in all different directions. The things that once hung on her walls have been divided, and scattered. All thats left of Rebecca Ruth Ferrell is the love that even 15 years after her death lives and grows inside us all.

We were “the best part of her trip” we were the “wonderful things” she seen on the way.Her destination was always heaven, she never lost sight of that goal. As much as I miss her, I know that she carried part of me with her home. I know that her mansion in heaven is just as cluttered as her house on Bunting Lane, a kaleidoscope of memories decorate the walls. I’m almost sure, that if birthday gifts exist in heaven that one of them will be a Giraffe, because every body knows that “Sister Ferrell just loved them.”

 

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Freedom

My thoughts melted, my center was liquid.

changing, bending, becoming.
not restricted by design or reason.
I danced inside you.
Everything, and Nothing.
Complete Freedom,
Bound by no earthly law.
Transcended…
I became great and small.

You divided, and defined me.
Placed me upon a shelf.
“Look at my Love” you said.
Contained inside your box,
my power became yours.
I grew still and silent
hardened and rigid
I forgot to dance.

Then you called upon my power,
once vast as the ocean.
I stood still molded by your design.
“You’ve changed” You said sadly
“Where is your power to thrill and fill me?”

I cried as you walked away,
my tears flowed like a river.
I dissolved inside them.
my thoughts melted,
my center again liquid.

I was free.

~Radonna Hill

Perfect place of wonder
Love found a place to start
after a lifetime of empty
you fill up every part

Melting into wholeness
these feelings bright and new
the pieces I was missing
was always held by you.

~Radonna Hill
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Burn

Aching lost the falling star

from the heavens came

burning through a midnight sky
its life is but a flame.
.
Streaks across the darkness
for a moment shining gold
A million years now ashes
its stories now been told.
.
A life is but a heartbeat,
so shine while you are here.
Burn brightly baby
love with no fear.
.
Gravity gets the best
to dust we all return 
so while there is life in me.
I will burn, burn, burn.
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You Really Must Be Magic

There was no breath inside me,
love had withered on the vine.
my soul scorched like a desert 
a desecrated shrine.
.
I think you must be magic.
.
Expanding the infinite 
I begin to breathe
My soul used up, and empty.
has now forgot to grieve.
.
You really must be magic.
.
This garden you created
as you soaked into me
what was brown and decaying
now a brilliant shade of green.
.
I know you must be magic.
.
How different the world looks
filtered through your sun
as you refine the possible
my magic, magic one.
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Letting Go

Im afraid of healing
Forever sealing
The gap between
You and me
Afraid to smile
Cause you cant see it
Afraid to laugh
Because I won’t mean it
Afraid to dream
Cause you cant share it
Afraid to sing
Cause you cant hear it.
Afraid of tomorrow
Each day comes new
Just leads further
Away from you

By Radonna Hill

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Round and Round the world spins,
Ambiguous emotions,
words with double meaning.
I’m lost, bombarded with what I don’t understand.
Weighed down with someone else’s pain.
I try to stand, I fall again.
Dizzying Chaos.
I close my eyes and find you.
My Calm,
Your face makes the world slow down.
I surrender.
My thoughts become liquid.
My soul becomes air.
I am above it for a little while.
My contradiction,
Take me to the edge of reason,
yet settle the storm inside.
I bask in the warmth of not needing to understand.
The simplicity of Safe.
I’m happily lost in you.
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I didn’t cry.

The two worst times when your heart is broken is when you lay down and try to sleep and those first few conscious seconds when you wake up. Sometimes sleep brings temporary amnesia. I find her in my dreams. Nothing changes there. Waking up, I have to accept the reality all over again. I am never going to see her again.

I lay there most nights dreading sleep because it resets the heartbreak. If I could just stay awake  long enough to believe it, for it to be real, maybe I wont forget.

Sleep is the only time it doesn’t hurt to breath, but I’d gladly skip it than reliving losing her over and over.

The last two mornings I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry all day yesterday, maybe that means I am healing, maybe it means my heart has finally accepted that I am never going to see her again. Maybe eventually I will stop wanting to.

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Broken

You broke me slowly
bit by bit
you’d make a crack
then pull me back
Just to see if you could.
I’d come, heart in my hands.
Forgiving, loving, understanding
Hope bound me in chains
Care and concern for you was my captor.
I gave freely, as you tortured me
Understanding, you were just hurt.
You needed time.
Did breaking me make you whole?
Whole enough to not need me anymore.
standing in your corner giving you my every breath,
to fill the void inside you.
Now I’m the empty one.
Its okay.
I can refill on my own.
I don’t need to break a soul.
By Radonna Hill

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How do I trust myself?

The feeling of being in your arms was the same feeling I had sitting on the beach looking at the ocean. The enormity of my feelings made every other obstacle and problem feel so small.

The crashing of the waves, the smell of the salt, the sound of the seagulls. The deep vibration to the core, when you feel lucky to be in this moment experiencing the magnificence of  the universe.

Love created this vastness of space and time. Expansive and freeing. I was alive , grateful, in  awe of such beauty, and humbled to be a part of it.

I believed in its rightness. I trusted when I had no reason to. I had peace in the feeling because it was the greatest one I had ever known.

I BELIEVED that love was stronger than anything else, and I trusted in that something. I trusted in YOU, in what I knew you felt for me.

I believed in you.

Its such a devastating feeling not only to have your trust broken, but to feel unsure about your ability to trust yourself.

I told myself, my heart was finally safe that it had found its home.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

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Love is a numbers game?

I heard that said and I was taken aback. Numbers Game?

LOVE?

Wouldn’t that be crazy that a simple formula could help you navigate such messy complex emotions?  Black and white, rather than uncertainty.

To win at any numbers game you have to play.

You have to put yourself in the pot over and over.

You do what you can to increase your odds.

Staying when love is not present, lowers your chances.

“YES, but it might come back.”

NOT good betting odds.

Its like having a half smoked cigarette. Most of us will lite a new one rather than to re-lite one. It never tastes the same when you do. What are the odds of a half smoked cigarette ever tasting the same? ZERO.

Bad numbers.

If a situation doesn’t feel right instead of listening to Jason Mraz  “I wont give up.” and convincing yourself that there is something romantic about holding on and trying when everything is stacked against you, ask yourself if its something that BOTH people are working to fix. If the answer is no, all the devotion in the world is not going to work. You can’t love someone enough for two. It’s not possible.

Let go.

Meet people. Talk to them. Open yourself up to meeting,
“The One”

The law of probability is on your side at this point.

YOUR name is once again in the pot.

Yep, love is a numbers game. The only way you lose is to bet against yourself.

 

 

Finally

In must have existed
in that moment.
The love you spoke of.
You followed me in the bed,
in your sleep searching for me.
Your hands reached for me,
as if they had found their purpose.
You buried your face in my neck,
You breathed deep
Memorizing me.
How easily I was fooled by this.
How differently we regarded such gift.
I clung to it like a life raft. LOVE, finally.
When you disregarded me.
When you left me aching.
When you hurt me over and over.
Love covered it. I was loved, finally.
You talked to me less and less.
Your job was hard, you were busy.
I’d wait all day for your “Hey sweet girl” text.
BUT I was loved, finally.
Little by little, I compromised.
You loved me to the best of your ability.
The endless excuses I made to hold on to your half ass devotion,
BECAUSE I was loved, Finally.
Until you fell again, and not for me.
Finally I was able to see.
A fickle heart is never true.
I was never loved by you.
So I let go. Finally.

Radonna Hill.

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Someone

Somewhere someone is smiling
Someone now holds their dreams
Somewhere someone is singing
a song not meant for me.
Someone is holding everything
here, I’m just holding on,
laying in this bed alone,
my everything is gone.
I just lay here dreaming,
Someone else’s dream,
reaching out for happy,
but it doesn’t reach for me.
Somewhere someone is crying,
that someone might be me,
and you may hear me singing,
but sorrow plays the keys.
Somewhere a light is dying,
someone is letting go,
Love it keeps reminding,
but its running out of hope.
All the broken pieces,
I’ve spread out on the floor,
I’ll put them back together,
I’ve done it all before.
Happy’s an illusion,
I blindly chase its tails,
my hands grasp so wildly,
but every effort fails.
By: Radonna Hill

Thinking you have survived, versus knowing it.

The last year has been pretty amazing. It almost seems crazy to type “AMAZING” because if you put it down on paper, I have went through some of the most difficult things in my life. Who in their right mind would classify some of the heartbreak and disappointments  the last year as “AMAZING”?

Well… ME!

It is easy to talk about inner peace and being grateful when you have it all and everything in going the way you want it to.

It is far more difficult to be in the middle of the most heartbreaking event you’ve gone through, and have the certainty that everything will be okay.

It is down in this valley, surrounded by emotions of hopelessness and loss that

Blessed are the Meek

I’m tired of building castles in the sand,

watching dreams slip through my hands.
the endless compromise
always the one to apologize.
Bending so I wont break.
Giving afraid to take.
Make it easy.
Make it warm.
Be the calm within the storm.
I’ll be the shelter, from the pain.
and then I’m left to cry the rain.
~Radonna Hill
meek
mēk
adjective
adjective: meek; comparative adjective: meeker; superlative adjective: meekest
quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive.
Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth”
At first glance that sounds really good. Inherit the whole earth, but all you inherit is dirt.
I’m tired of dirt.

In the Valley

The last year has been pretty amazing. It almost seems crazy to type “AMAZING” because if you put it down on paper, I have went through some of the most difficult things in my life. Who in their right mind would classify some of the heartbreak and disappointments in the last year as “AMAZING”?

Well… ME!

It is easy to talk about inner peace and being grateful when you have it all and everything in going the way you want it to.

It is far more difficult to be in the middle of the most heartbreaking event you’ve gone through, and have the certainty that everything will be okay.

It is down in this valley, surrounded by emotions of hopelessness and loss that in the past would have crippled me, and realizing something deep and intrinsic has changed.

I have changed.

It would be right in the past to describe me as fragile. Loss has been so commonplace in my life that I shut down. I have let negative thoughts and feelings control my perception.

When you successfully change your inner dialog, and you realize that you have done your best, you have given your best, and you can fight off bitterness with just minimal effort you have went from thinking you’ve survived to KNOWING you have.

I am not broken, not anymore.

No one likes to hurt. My granny used the phrase “tried by fire” When pottery is “tried” it is placed in the hottest fire and it burns the impurities away. It hardens the clay and makes it able to be a usable object. If the fire isn’t hot enough, or the vessel doesn’t stay long enough it will essentially be useless.

This year has been my fire, and here I am still standing. I’m still believing in the good things that are coming and I can let go of the things that aren’t meant for me.

Like I said, it has been one AMAZING year.

My Story

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 I’ve read this at many points in my life, but it never had the meaning it did after coming out of the self-imposed prison I’d put myself in being the victim of  emotional, and mental abuse. So I posted it first, READ it first. FEEL it first. I know why you are here. I was where you were.

When I scoured the internet for information I had one goal in mind. FIX IT.

I would get so upset when blog after blog would claim that there was no way to FIX IT.

Did anyone understand that people were not disposable???

A mother knows how to love selflessly with little in return. I had identified her disorder.

I was skilled at loving my children, 

Children are emotionally immature creatures, that demanded endless time, patience, and understanding.

Essentially that is what my abuser was an emotionally stunted child, a three-year old trapped in the body of an adult.

I wanted to love her enough. I wanted to be safe enough. I wanted to understand enough. I wanted to be enough to fix it.

WHY did every resource I found, say it could not be done?

I hesitate to use the word Narcissist or Sociopath because Labels suck. Personality disorders come in clusters and essentially is all boils down to lack of emotional maturity. It is a break in the normal psychological development.

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It’s a science.

There is a REASON. You can see it understand it and define it surely you can fix it right???

Isn’t it as simple as putting the missing piece back in the puzzle?

NO! Read here how it is not that simple, how confusing, and exhausting that process is.

A relationship should not be a life self-sacrificing calling.

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It hurts to read this. I know!!!

I’ve been in this very spot staring at very similar blogs trying to find a key to unlock the mystery of how to fix my situation.

It feels like a house is on fire, and the person you love is inside the burning house.

You want to run in and save them, You want to pull them out. You grab  them, and you try so hard to pull them on your shoulders, and stumble for the door. The heat and the smoke suffocating you the entire time. Their weight crushing you. You could drop them, and run out of the burning building easily, but you don’t want to leave them behind.  Realize this at any time they have feet and could walk beside you, and what is most heartbreaking of all, they are immune to their own flames.

While you are dying under their weight, While you are aging yourself, While you are suffering in a hundred different ways,  they are enjoying the piggy back ride and getting a thrill someone would sacrifice so much to do that for them.

They do not love you.

I read that too.

What I told myself is….

1. No one really understands what is between us.

2. She loves me as much as she is capable of loving someone.

3. I love her…… I love her enough for both of us.

Are you bracing yourself for the prepackaged response that you are worth your own love?

I’m not going to give you that one. I’m going to tell you I understand.

I understand your process. I understand that in order for you to let go you may need to have your heart-broken 1000 times in 1000 ways just so at the end of the day when you walk away, you will be able to say….”I did everything I could do”

I respect that. I respect you.

What I do ask, is  for you to follow this blog.

Ask questions, don’t be afraid to message me, or add me on facebook

If there is enough interest here is an emotional abuse support group.

This is a battle you don’t have to fight alone.

It’s not about pushing you to DO anything, its letting you out of the prison of isolation abuse has you in.

I was in that same prison. Every time I tried to reach out to anyone to make sense of what was happening to me I was accused of trying to

sabotage her or of being vindictive to the point at one time I even believed it to be true. When people would get mad at her because of something I said I would feel guilty, it would reinforce all her complaints that I was the problem. So I withdrew even further from anyone that could help me.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you.

Ultimately I want everyone to be on the other side of that door and to feel what I feel right now, but I am patient and I want everyone to do what feels right to them and be comfortable with their choices. It is the biggest step you will ever take listening to your own voice.

When everyone would tell me to cut her off, call the police, block her number. I had been bullied and controlled so much it was just one more person doing what she had done to me. When people would get mad at me when I couldn’t it was THEM continuing her emotional abuse of me. I had a few friends that no matter what rabbit she pulled out of her hat and no matter how wishy-washy I was stayed the course.

Did they like to see me hurt? OF COURSE NOT.

The last thing someone who is the victim of emotional abuse needs is another form of control or to be told what to do.

Whatever YOU do needs to be because YOU are tired and YOU are ready.

I will be here for YOU.

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There is no time limit.

No expectations here.

Set little goals.

At first my goals were as simple as don’t respond to a text for a few hours, they progressed to not answering the phone for days.

I started 7 months ago. I did have the help of a therapist. I am taking medication for depression.

I am not without scars.

I will be completely honest , this has not been without great cost to get from bondage to freedom,

but it is so worth it.

If my story can help just one person I will tell it freely, and without fear.

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You matter, and you do have value, that you are here most likely for the  same reason I searched….TO HELP,

TO SAVE.

TO FIX.

TO UNDERSTAND.

You are a giver, willing to put your needs on the back-burner to try to find a way to fill up that ever empty cup of someone who can, and will never be full.

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You can only take so much before you break.

I broke.

It wasn’t pretty.

It was scary.

My Mom was scared, my friends were scared, my children were scared.

I spent so long trying to save someone, I let everything else in my life suffer.

This is not about blaming.

I could have walked away at any time, just as you can.

I made an adult decision to stay because more than anything in the world I wanted her to fit into my happily ever after. She was precious to me. As precious as that three-year old toddler throwing fits in the floor at Wal-Mart, when you get them home and they are worn out in your arms and their body is soft and heavy their energy spent, their lashes long against their tear-stained cheek you look down at them, and feel this protectiveness for this little child not quite ready to handle the world, not quite ready to deal with disappointment. Just learning to accept that things can not always be her way.

Love does not discriminate because that three-year old is actually a 40-year-old woman.

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There is good news! Once you really get there your there!

You’ve probably been halfway there 100 times, I want to reassure you that this time you will know the difference.

I can’t pinpoint what makes it happen. It may be a simple lie that just acts as the straw that breaks the camels back.

It may just be the gradual fading into a healthier way of thinking and feeling, but eventually THE DAY will come!!!!

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This was the hardest for me to read but I feel necessary for me to come back to one more time.

Attachment is not love. I would say that she loved the way I loved her not that she actually loved me.

Her need for me was ONLY because of what it meant for HER. I would feel warm and fuzzy at how hard she fought to hold  me,

I couldn’t understand how she could hold on so tightly if it wasn’t LOVE.

WRONG.

This is a very good blog explaining how a “sociopath” loves

Love is in what you can give and do for another person it is not in the words. She hurt me daily. She twisted and warped the word love to mean something ugly and painful. Love does not hurt. Love is putting the best interest of someone else ahead of your own. Never ONCE, and I say this with NO hesitation or reservation, never once did she ever care about my best interest. They did not factor on her radar.

In fact everything she did the OPPOSITE of that.

There is no romanticized love story.

She was a liar, I was smarter.

That is why she found others that couldn’t see through her, I seen her far too honestly, and she did not like to face herself in my eyes.

The act of me loving her and not the mask she wore made her hate me.

NO, you are not loved. You are a source, a supply to fill a need, and once your purpose is served you will be replaced, and re-purposed.

When they are severely empty, they may need several sources they will  try to re-purpose exes as friends, but impose bizarre restrictions on them.

Loyalty of everyone is always questioned, mainly because they truly have none.

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It hurts to try to understand it.

You think understanding it will give you power, but part of your need to understand it is still rooted in your wish to fix it.

You can’t fix what you can’t understand.

You have heard you can’t help someone who won’t help them-self.

How is someone ever going to help them self if they truly believe that YOU are the one with the problem?

They are unable to see patterns, they are unable to see the only common denominator is THEM.

ARE YOU?

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Before you think of becoming a model of Anne Sullivan to be an “intervener”  to your sociopath

ask yourself …………………what is your best case scenario?

Do you believe that one day that you will lead them down the path to self actualization, and they will wake up and realize all the things they have done and say Gee I am sorry I did those things, admit they are wrong and seek help? In order for any real change to ever happen that would HAVE to happen.

If you can’t even point out a simple mistake, how do you imagine revealing an entire personality disorder is something they are going to thank you for?

If you plan on doing it with love, patience, gentleness and guidance.

Be Prepared to…..

  1. Give up all your friends
  2. make her your full-time job
  3. be at her beck and call
  4. do not catch her in lies
  5. ignore her cheating
  6. give positive praises all the time
  7. compliment her no matter what
  8. always sound in a good mood
  9. if she is upset or depressed confirm it
  10. always be on her side
  11. do not express your opinion if it is different from hers
  12. talk sweetly
  13. laugh at her jokes even when they are not funny
  14. don’t bring up topics she doesn’t want to talk about or is not interested in.
  15. know all her favorite things, times, schedules, nap times, don’t interrupt her
  16. never answer a question from anyone else, you have no clue what lies she told other people.

This is just for starters, and doesn’t even begin to cover the emotional cost of what it would entail.

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Exhausting

There is that word again. BONE WEARY exhaustion.

SOUL wringing, EXHAUSTION.

You just want some light of understanding to come on. Because YOU care.

YOU can’t love enough for TWO.

It won’t work.

It can’t work.

I wish I could tell you different. I wish I could have posted the beautiful pictures I have of me and mine. I am staring at her like the world is wrapped inside her and for me it was. I wish I the story you came here to find.

You may not have found what you were looking for, but make no mistake, this is 100 percent a success story.

I rose.

I’m still rising.

I am happy, and I am finally free.

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All you ever wanted really is on the other side of that fear.

The fear of WHO will take care of them if I don’t.

TRUST me they will find someone who will.

Eventually that person will be searching the same blogs.

Take a tip from me DO NOT WARN their new source, do not send them proof, their new source is your best friend, the best thing to ever happen to you, because they will help to ease the focus off you enough for you to get the strength to pick up the pieces and be stronger and have a new attitude when they come around again.

We all know how the cycle goes. If we stay open they come back.

So while they are wearing out and exhausting someone else build yourself up.

Make the changes you need. Don’t look for sites on how to bait them, and make them jealous.

Yes I know all about triggering that jealous bone.

I know how to get pulled back out of storage.

It’s not worth it.

FREE FEELS GOOD.

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Life is waiting! Its waiting for you to walk out of that burning building and to embrace all the things to see and experience without the dead weight of someone on your back holding you in a miserable toxic place.

You can do it!! I believe in you!!

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Happy Birthday Kaden

 No tongue can tell or pen could write what you have meant to me.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA I was not more than a baby myself trying to do the best for you. This year you are older than I was when I had you.

 

It was SCARY!!!

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 You were so fragile!

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 Loving you was always the map I traced.

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You are the love of my life.

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 I sat down so many times this week to write, and couldn’t find the words. How do I write our story where do I begin? Do I begin with life preparing me for you? My egg baby with Down syndrome in high school? It feels like there is no part of me that ever existed without you. Even before you were born, you were meant to be mine. I wish I could have done a better job. I wish I had some wisdom behind me when I started out as your Mommy. I trusted Doctors when I should have fought harder. I have many regrets but having you will never be one of them.

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I wish I had a do over. I wish I could go back and live it all over again. It passed too fast!!! You turn 20 today. Where did the time go?

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Feels like Yesterday.

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It felt like we had all the time in the world. You stayed so little for so long I had what felt like a baby so much longer than most Mom’s get to. I felt like that was a great big bonus. Especially when your brothers came along! I loved my Chilled take it easy baby, not in any hurry for life to pass us by.

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YOU enjoyed Life!!!

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Especially Water!

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You embody Joy!

IMG_5205 IMG_5210 Your Affection is Authentic

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You give it freely.

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Without Reservation

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Or Agenda

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You can relax in your presence because you don’t have to read between the lines or worry about awkward social cues. You will make your opinions known very clearly. You are who you are. You feel what you feel. You are 100 percent authentic.

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You give the best Hugs!!

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You might not speak but it is very easy to understand you!

I HATE THIS FREAKING TIE MOM!!!!

I HATE THIS FREAKING TIE MOM!!!!

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You are Happy, and You are loved beyond measure!

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Brothers!

061_61 Family!

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Happy Birthday Kaden!!!

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I am so proud to be your Mommy!