If you could understand my words. I would tell you how excited that I was the day you were born. I would tell you how full of hope I was holding my new baby boy.
Most of it can be fixed they said, he has club feet, he has cataracts, but his heart is good. They were right your heart is good.
Baby boy you are everything that is good in the world. You never smile if you don’t mean it. You never do anything that is not completely in line with what you feel and who you are. Social Norms that dictate and demand conformity they can’t touch you.
In this fast paced world of overachievers, you are my stop and smell the roses.
My reminder that things don’t have to be perfect to have joy.
I don’t regret you for one minute. The things you taught me, the person I am because I had the privilege to be your Mom.
You taught me unconditional. How love doesn’t stop by someones ability to understand the depth or height of it.
You taught me patience.
You taught me that no person is disposable.
Value is not subjective. You taught me that.
The best part of me comes from the privilege of loving you.
The next phase of our life is here. It is scary to think of the way our lives are going to change.
I wish I could help you understand why Mommy wont be there when you wake up at night, or the confusion of you not being able to find me. I hope you never feel like your Mommy abandoned you. Mommy will always be here for you.
I couldn’t have known when they laid you in my arms that we would be here. When they were explaining your chromosomes and they said you had a little something extra in every part of your body. I couldn’t fully realize how much extra that really meant. You have added extra heart, extra determination, extra perception and redefined what it means to truly love beyond expectations.
I am better because of you.
If you could understand my words I could tell you how very very much that I love you and however right this decision is that it is not easy. That regardless if I am the one fixing your food or giving you your baths or scratching your back when you cant sleep that I will always be the person that loves you the very most in this world and will never forget how much about life that you have taught me.
I wish I could feel the world through you for just a minute or two, to know the way pure feels, to recover some of the innocence and faith in people. I love the way you throw yourself off the bus into my arms with no hesitation knowing I’ll always be there to catch you.
I hope you still trust the things in your world even when the person you’ve counted on to navigate the world is no longer part of your every day. I hope that I have loved you enough that you will feel that security for your whole life.
My Kaden, My baby. My 19 year old man. I am so proud to be your Mommy.