My Story

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 I’ve read this at many points in my life, but it never had the meaning it did after coming out of the self-imposed prison I’d put myself in being the victim of  emotional, and mental abuse. So I posted it first, READ it first. FEEL it first. I know why you are here. I was where you were.

When I scoured the internet for information I had one goal in mind. FIX IT.

I would get so upset when blog after blog would claim that there was no way to FIX IT.

Did anyone understand that people were not disposable???

A mother knows how to love selflessly with little in return. I had identified her disorder.

I was skilled at loving my children, 

Children are emotionally immature creatures, that demanded endless time, patience, and understanding.

Essentially that is what my abuser was an emotionally stunted child, a three-year old trapped in the body of an adult.

I wanted to love her enough. I wanted to be safe enough. I wanted to understand enough. I wanted to be enough to fix it.

WHY did every resource I found, say it could not be done?

I hesitate to use the word Narcissist or Sociopath because Labels suck. Personality disorders come in clusters and essentially is all boils down to lack of emotional maturity. It is a break in the normal psychological development.

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It’s a science.

There is a REASON. You can see it understand it and define it surely you can fix it right???

Isn’t it as simple as putting the missing piece back in the puzzle?

NO! Read here how it is not that simple, how confusing, and exhausting that process is.

A relationship should not be a life self-sacrificing calling.

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It hurts to read this. I know!!!

I’ve been in this very spot staring at very similar blogs trying to find a key to unlock the mystery of how to fix my situation.

It feels like a house is on fire, and the person you love is inside the burning house.

You want to run in and save them, You want to pull them out. You grab  them, and you try so hard to pull them on your shoulders, and stumble for the door. The heat and the smoke suffocating you the entire time. Their weight crushing you. You could drop them, and run out of the burning building easily, but you don’t want to leave them behind.  Realize this at any time they have feet and could walk beside you, and what is most heartbreaking of all, they are immune to their own flames.

While you are dying under their weight, While you are aging yourself, While you are suffering in a hundred different ways,  they are enjoying the piggy back ride and getting a thrill someone would sacrifice so much to do that for them.

They do not love you.

I read that too.

What I told myself is….

1. No one really understands what is between us.

2. She loves me as much as she is capable of loving someone.

3. I love her…… I love her enough for both of us.

Are you bracing yourself for the prepackaged response that you are worth your own love?

I’m not going to give you that one. I’m going to tell you I understand.

I understand your process. I understand that in order for you to let go you may need to have your heart-broken 1000 times in 1000 ways just so at the end of the day when you walk away, you will be able to say….”I did everything I could do”

I respect that. I respect you.

What I do ask, is  for you to follow this blog.

Ask questions, don’t be afraid to message me, or add me on facebook

If there is enough interest here is an emotional abuse support group.

This is a battle you don’t have to fight alone.

It’s not about pushing you to DO anything, its letting you out of the prison of isolation abuse has you in.

I was in that same prison. Every time I tried to reach out to anyone to make sense of what was happening to me I was accused of trying to

sabotage her or of being vindictive to the point at one time I even believed it to be true. When people would get mad at her because of something I said I would feel guilty, it would reinforce all her complaints that I was the problem. So I withdrew even further from anyone that could help me.

It doesn’t have to be that way for you.

Ultimately I want everyone to be on the other side of that door and to feel what I feel right now, but I am patient and I want everyone to do what feels right to them and be comfortable with their choices. It is the biggest step you will ever take listening to your own voice.

When everyone would tell me to cut her off, call the police, block her number. I had been bullied and controlled so much it was just one more person doing what she had done to me. When people would get mad at me when I couldn’t it was THEM continuing her emotional abuse of me. I had a few friends that no matter what rabbit she pulled out of her hat and no matter how wishy-washy I was stayed the course.

Did they like to see me hurt? OF COURSE NOT.

The last thing someone who is the victim of emotional abuse needs is another form of control or to be told what to do.

Whatever YOU do needs to be because YOU are tired and YOU are ready.

I will be here for YOU.

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There is no time limit.

No expectations here.

Set little goals.

At first my goals were as simple as don’t respond to a text for a few hours, they progressed to not answering the phone for days.

I started 7 months ago. I did have the help of a therapist. I am taking medication for depression.

I am not without scars.

I will be completely honest , this has not been without great cost to get from bondage to freedom,

but it is so worth it.

If my story can help just one person I will tell it freely, and without fear.

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You matter, and you do have value, that you are here most likely for the  same reason I searched….TO HELP,

TO SAVE.

TO FIX.

TO UNDERSTAND.

You are a giver, willing to put your needs on the back-burner to try to find a way to fill up that ever empty cup of someone who can, and will never be full.

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You can only take so much before you break.

I broke.

It wasn’t pretty.

It was scary.

My Mom was scared, my friends were scared, my children were scared.

I spent so long trying to save someone, I let everything else in my life suffer.

This is not about blaming.

I could have walked away at any time, just as you can.

I made an adult decision to stay because more than anything in the world I wanted her to fit into my happily ever after. She was precious to me. As precious as that three-year old toddler throwing fits in the floor at Wal-Mart, when you get them home and they are worn out in your arms and their body is soft and heavy their energy spent, their lashes long against their tear-stained cheek you look down at them, and feel this protectiveness for this little child not quite ready to handle the world, not quite ready to deal with disappointment. Just learning to accept that things can not always be her way.

Love does not discriminate because that three-year old is actually a 40-year-old woman.

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There is good news! Once you really get there your there!

You’ve probably been halfway there 100 times, I want to reassure you that this time you will know the difference.

I can’t pinpoint what makes it happen. It may be a simple lie that just acts as the straw that breaks the camels back.

It may just be the gradual fading into a healthier way of thinking and feeling, but eventually THE DAY will come!!!!

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This was the hardest for me to read but I feel necessary for me to come back to one more time.

Attachment is not love. I would say that she loved the way I loved her not that she actually loved me.

Her need for me was ONLY because of what it meant for HER. I would feel warm and fuzzy at how hard she fought to hold  me,

I couldn’t understand how she could hold on so tightly if it wasn’t LOVE.

WRONG.

This is a very good blog explaining how a “sociopath” loves

Love is in what you can give and do for another person it is not in the words. She hurt me daily. She twisted and warped the word love to mean something ugly and painful. Love does not hurt. Love is putting the best interest of someone else ahead of your own. Never ONCE, and I say this with NO hesitation or reservation, never once did she ever care about my best interest. They did not factor on her radar.

In fact everything she did the OPPOSITE of that.

There is no romanticized love story.

She was a liar, I was smarter.

That is why she found others that couldn’t see through her, I seen her far too honestly, and she did not like to face herself in my eyes.

The act of me loving her and not the mask she wore made her hate me.

NO, you are not loved. You are a source, a supply to fill a need, and once your purpose is served you will be replaced, and re-purposed.

When they are severely empty, they may need several sources they will  try to re-purpose exes as friends, but impose bizarre restrictions on them.

Loyalty of everyone is always questioned, mainly because they truly have none.

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It hurts to try to understand it.

You think understanding it will give you power, but part of your need to understand it is still rooted in your wish to fix it.

You can’t fix what you can’t understand.

You have heard you can’t help someone who won’t help them-self.

How is someone ever going to help them self if they truly believe that YOU are the one with the problem?

They are unable to see patterns, they are unable to see the only common denominator is THEM.

ARE YOU?

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Before you think of becoming a model of Anne Sullivan to be an “intervener”  to your sociopath

ask yourself …………………what is your best case scenario?

Do you believe that one day that you will lead them down the path to self actualization, and they will wake up and realize all the things they have done and say Gee I am sorry I did those things, admit they are wrong and seek help? In order for any real change to ever happen that would HAVE to happen.

If you can’t even point out a simple mistake, how do you imagine revealing an entire personality disorder is something they are going to thank you for?

If you plan on doing it with love, patience, gentleness and guidance.

Be Prepared to…..

  1. Give up all your friends
  2. make her your full-time job
  3. be at her beck and call
  4. do not catch her in lies
  5. ignore her cheating
  6. give positive praises all the time
  7. compliment her no matter what
  8. always sound in a good mood
  9. if she is upset or depressed confirm it
  10. always be on her side
  11. do not express your opinion if it is different from hers
  12. talk sweetly
  13. laugh at her jokes even when they are not funny
  14. don’t bring up topics she doesn’t want to talk about or is not interested in.
  15. know all her favorite things, times, schedules, nap times, don’t interrupt her
  16. never answer a question from anyone else, you have no clue what lies she told other people.

This is just for starters, and doesn’t even begin to cover the emotional cost of what it would entail.

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Exhausting

There is that word again. BONE WEARY exhaustion.

SOUL wringing, EXHAUSTION.

You just want some light of understanding to come on. Because YOU care.

YOU can’t love enough for TWO.

It won’t work.

It can’t work.

I wish I could tell you different. I wish I could have posted the beautiful pictures I have of me and mine. I am staring at her like the world is wrapped inside her and for me it was. I wish I the story you came here to find.

You may not have found what you were looking for, but make no mistake, this is 100 percent a success story.

I rose.

I’m still rising.

I am happy, and I am finally free.

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All you ever wanted really is on the other side of that fear.

The fear of WHO will take care of them if I don’t.

TRUST me they will find someone who will.

Eventually that person will be searching the same blogs.

Take a tip from me DO NOT WARN their new source, do not send them proof, their new source is your best friend, the best thing to ever happen to you, because they will help to ease the focus off you enough for you to get the strength to pick up the pieces and be stronger and have a new attitude when they come around again.

We all know how the cycle goes. If we stay open they come back.

So while they are wearing out and exhausting someone else build yourself up.

Make the changes you need. Don’t look for sites on how to bait them, and make them jealous.

Yes I know all about triggering that jealous bone.

I know how to get pulled back out of storage.

It’s not worth it.

FREE FEELS GOOD.

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Life is waiting! Its waiting for you to walk out of that burning building and to embrace all the things to see and experience without the dead weight of someone on your back holding you in a miserable toxic place.

You can do it!! I believe in you!!

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20 thoughts on “My Story

    • Omg omg omg! This is exactly where I am at this very moment! Two year long distance relationship ( love baiting me) then moved (3hrs from home) I lived there one year, but by 5-6 months I was in the infamous confusion stage. What is goin on, where’s that lovable man I fell in love with?! Verbal abuse nonstop. He tore me into little pieces over n over The crazy making just a classic case of narcissism. I finally moved back home and said we’ll go back to long distance a while. Well long story short(er) he’s already replaced me. I’m in shock at how accurate it all played out by reading all the narc info etc. this blog of yours is so awesome, this is the first time I came across any of it!! Thank you so very much and now I live on and heal. It’s so hard nobody understands! I will keep watching for you blogs while the devastating pain subsides.

  1. Pingback: My Self-Imposed Prison | Creative Designs

  2. This post is 40 years of learning crammed into one article. I especially resonate with feeling like the person I loved was trapped inside a burning house and couldn’t see the flames. Very unpleasant feeling. Thanks for sharing.

    • Please join us on facebook at the Voice of Emotional Abuse Support Group if you would like. We had several people join today. Isolation is the worst part of this. You are not alone!

  3. I sat down and hand copied the last part of this blog starting with the “burning house” comment.
    All I know is I was thunderstruck with your words. I cannot express how helpful reading this today has been for me. Incredibly,tremendously helpful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • I was in tears before I finished reading your comment. Thank you from the bottom of mine. To know I was able to help anyone makes some of what I’ve been through that much easier to reconcile, It may sound cliche but I mean it with all of my heart!!

  4. my husband committed suicide after one year of marriage, he left someone else for me, married me,had an affair with her again and with somebody else,did all these things you described above, when i found out, he told me, I am your man, lets show her. and weeks later he was just doing it again with her.,when i decided i had enough i put him out, only to fetch him again, cause he was this loving man, i couldnt live without,but when he came back we were not the same any more, i hurt him too much by putting him out,and shaming him in front of his girlfriend,and one night when i fetched my daughter at the airport i came back and found him hanging on a noose, now he is dead, and im devastated,all the unanswered questions driving me crazy, even in his death he has a hold on me. and I feel so lonely,……………..

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