I’ve never had trouble forgiving other people. Its easy. I can see the reasons behind some of their choices, and I realize that most people do not intend to hurt anyone else, that sometimes it is just a byproduct of their own experiences and pain. Hurt people, hurt people.
Although this is a wonderful ability I have realized that it is far more complex than I understood. I may forgive an action, but I internalize it. I take responsibility for someone else’s actions. If I had done better, or known better this wouldn’t have happened. So while I make excuses for the actions of others I hold myself accountable.
Today I am working on forgiving myself. When I look back at the choices I have made, and the reasons that I made them it is really hard for them not to sound like excuses instead of valid reasons. I am my own worst critic.
I can pick myself apart, and I can see the very worst parts of my character. I don’t give myself an inch to heal or to move past it. I am trying to think differently. I am trying to give myself the understanding that I so easily give to others.
There are days that I will do my best, and give my best, there are days that I wont, and that is okay as long as I keep trying and striving to be the best me that I can be.
I can’t change my past, or the choices that I have made but I can learn and grow from them. I can embrace the ways that they have added to my life experiences, and how they shape my perception. I can pick and choice the things that I want to carry with me tomorrow, and the things that I want to lay down.
Today I choose to lay down the guilt. I choose to forgive myself.