Weight Loss Journal

Day 208, 115 pounds lost so far.

I’d always heard that weight loss was as much an emotional process as a physical one, but I never fully understood that until recently.

When I started this journey my emotional health was the last thing on my mind, I was sick, desperately sick and if I didn’t do something fast I knew I would never see my kids grow up.

I made the decision logically. I wanted more out of life than four walls, and dreams. I wanted memories with my children, I wanted more time.

I didn’t  expect to confront the lifetime of pain I had buried in the layers.

The barrier I had created between me and the world.

It sounds so cliche, especially since I am not an emotional eater. I’ve never picked up a tub of ice cream to get through heartbreak. I just made really bad food choices. Years of that and inactivity took their toll on my body and my health putting me in a very desperate situation.

The thing about life is that you can’t pause it to deal with old shit.

My heart got broken again. I faced the choice between giving up, and giving it everything I had left. I chose to fight.

While I am fighting to be healthy I am also fighting an internal battle of not feeling good enough. I fight every time I walk out my front door. I want people to see my strength. I want them to see my heart. I want to be an extension of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I am dealing with the concept of self-esteem in therapy. It is hard to say I have low self esteem, because I generally like myself. I can see pieces of me in my children, parts that I love and can appreciate. I have friends that value and love me, and I have been loved greatly. I understand my limits, but I see them as temporary so where does this feeling of not being good enough come from?  Where is this fear of what other people might think of me rooted? Why do I fight the desire to just lay down and quit daily? I do struggle with depression, but I don’t know if my weight is the result of depression or, Am I depressed because I am fat?

I am cautious about thinking that any one thing will fix me. I have had situations in my life where I thought I had identified the root of what created it, but after fixing what I thought was wrong I still had the same thoughts, feelings and emotions. Is depression who I am?

I’ve always been dramatic. I’ve always held a deep sense of sadness even before life gave me bigger reasons to be sad. I’ve always felt limited, and held back from really reaching my dreams. What is that and how do I fix it. Do I have to go back through all my experiences to find the thing that created that sense of hopelessness, or is it the combination of everything combined.

I like the idea that every day brings you a brand new chance to create something different. Until now I thought it was a matter of throwing away the 42 years of self defeating thinking and starting fresh, but my new therapist told me that it was those 42 years that define me, that it is a strength to have the knowledge of all that pain under my belt because it built a person that can offer the world something because of those experiences.

All I have to do is figure out is how. How do I turn this mess into something purposeful?

How do I take the lessons I have learned and apply them in a way that will make my next 42 years something that I can look back on without regret so that I can reach my full potential?

I am learning daily, and I am finding myself loving myself and others in a new and different way.

I am excited about the future and I am more determined than ever to keep fighting, because I want more. I want so much more.

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